i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
