Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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