Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
