my phone needs a breathalizer
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
soo... how was my night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
