I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
How does one acquire holy water?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
