Little spoons don't ask big questions
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
