Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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