Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
