I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I came so hard my ears popped.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
