For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
