I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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