the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
