swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
