The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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