you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
