you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Randomize
