Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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