i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
