Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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