Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
