a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
