my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
