He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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