I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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