I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
