wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
