so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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