You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
