My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
