Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
