Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
