he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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