Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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