we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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