oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
