I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
