theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
