Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
