I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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