I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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