Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
