Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
