please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
