I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
