If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
