Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
