I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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