the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
if only i could text you this smell
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
