nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If I die, sorry about rent.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
