I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
