Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
