i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
