i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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