TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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