you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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