Yo dont text me then not text me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
